How to DIY With Your Spouse (and not kill each other)

Maybe you’re thinking about doing a big DIY project with your spouse, but you’ve heard horror stories about how one project can almost singlehandedly destroy a marriage. Or, perhaps you and your spouse have already tried a few DIY projects, and they’ve ended in arguments and the silent treatment. You’re not sure your marriage will survive another one. The truth is that DIY can be frustrating and seriously test any relationship. But some couples are able to DIY together, peacefully, and love it! So, what’s the secret? Read on for our tips on how to DIY with your spouse, and not kill each other.

My husband and I have been doing DIY projects together for over 20 years, and not only do we still enjoy doing projects, but we really love doing them together! We sat down the other day and came up with our “secret sauce” – the things we do and don’t do during DIY projects that keep us coming back for more.  And the great thing is that these tips apply to any relationship. Whether you plan to DIY with a significant other, friend, family member or business partner, using these tips will help your next project go much smoother, and you’ll probably have a lot more fun, too!

Tip #1 – A Willing Partner

DIY is hard work, and there will be projects where you will literally have blood, sweat and tears. Not only that, but it will test your patience, and your relationship. I can’t stress enough how important it is that you both are invested in, and excited about DIY. Whether it’s assembling furniture, or installing an accent wall, painting a room, or building furniture, your DIY partnership must start with a mutual desire to tackle home improvement projects together.

For us, it was an easy decision. We bought a very dated home, and had no money to hire anyone to update it. Plus, we liked working with our hands, and felt pretty confident we could learn what we needed to know along the way. If you or your partner are just going along with it because it makes the other person happy, you are much more likely to run into problems along the way. 

Tip #2 – Make a Plan Together

I had been daydreaming about adding some new wood trim around a doorway in our first house. I knew exactly how I wanted it to look, and had already figured out what I needed to buy. So, I told Andrew about the project and we agreed to go to Home Depot and get supplies. As we started shopping, I could sense hesitation and frustration coming from him. And, when we got home, he wasn’t excited to get started…at all. He admitted he had no clue what my vision was, and didn’t really feel like he was part of the project. And how could he? I had done all of the planning without him, so why should I expect him to be ready to start a new project as eagerly as me?

You may have the project all figured out in your head, and are itching to get started. But, you need to step back and take time to talk with your DIY partner about what you want to do, and exactly how you’ll do it. Draw some pictures, and plan out the project together to make sure you both understand what needs to get done, and how you’ll accomplish it. What supplies will you need? Get buy-in from your spouse ahead of time, and make them feel like they are part of the plan…not just your assistant. When you’re both on board with the plan, not only will you both know what needs to get done, but you’ll both be more excited about the project.

Tip #3 – Accept There Will Be Mistakes

When you first get started with DIY, you’ll likely make a lot of mistakes. That’s totally normal, and the good news is that you’ll make fewer and fewer mistakes as you gain experience. It’s important that you accept there will be mistakes made…by you and by your spouse. This is when the true test of your relationship comes into play!

Andrew and I were making cabinet doors for a client out of some reclaimed wood they had provided to us. We measured the opening, we built the doors, and we showed up ready to install them. But, when we held the doors up to the opening, they were way too short. It was horrible! Not only did we have to tell the client that we would have to come back later, but we also had to figure out how to quickly remake the doors, and we were short on the reclaimed wood they had given us!

Whose fault was it? To us, it didn’t matter. We had to focus on problem solving, and finding a workaround together that would get the job done, and still make our client happy. It was stressful, and frustrating, but pointing fingers at each other would have made the problem exponentially worse.

So, when things go wrong with your project, and they will, make a commitment to be problem solvers, not blamers. Trust me, the person who made a mistake already feels bad about it. If you’re supportive, and work together to figure out a solution, your relationship will survive to DIY another day. If there’s something you can do next time to prevent a similar problem, talk about after the project is done, and when you’re both in a good mood.

Tip #4 – Encourage Each Other

There comes a time during every major project where someone gets frustrated and the entire mood changes. When your partner gets to that point, will you get annoyed with them, or turn to encouragement?  The right answer (for your DIY relationship) is the latter. You’ll likely need to take turns being a cheerleader or that positive driving force for the project. How? Give each other compliments on the work you’ve done, walk over and tell them things will be OK when something goes awry, give a hug, or use humor to diffuse a tense situation. And, if you’re feeling just as frustrated, and can’t step into the “positive partner” role, see Tip #5.  

Tip #5 – Know Your Limits

Be sure to take breaks when you can no longer do the project in a positive way. Andrew and I both get grumpy and have low energy when we’re hungry, and at that point just don’t have the positive vibes to keep working. It’s important to know your limits, and not push beyond them to a point where your mood becomes negative. When you’re hungry, too tired, or just annoyed, it’s time for a break. Take a walk around the neighborhood to clear your head, or head out to lunch for a change of scenery. Better yet? Plan breaks into your DIY project timeline!

Tip #6 – Celebrate Successes

How great does it feel to complete a major project at work and get compliments or recognition from your coworkers or boss? Praise can give people the drive and motivation to continue working hard, and feel great satisfaction in the workplace, so why should DIY be any different?

Be sure to compliment your spouse on a job well done and celebrate your successes together. Tell each other how great things look, give each other high fives after a difficult task, and crack open a beer together to celebrate the completion of a project.  When you feel appreciated, recognized, and respected for your hard work, you’re much more likely to do it again, right? 

Tip #7 – Make it Fun

DIY isn’t all fun and games, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time doing it! Create a lighthearted work environment with music, have friendly competitions, tell jokes, and drink some adult beverages. Andrew and I have had a lot of wood balancing competitions and painting races over the years, and I don’t think he can work without music! If you can make doing projects together a fun experience, you’re going to be much more likely to want to work together again in the future.

Tip #8 – Communicate…Every Step of the Way

This is probably the most important tip of all, and the one that most often becomes a problem during DIY projects. That’s certainly been true for our relationship. Even after all of these years working together, we still have an occasional breakdown in communication that leads to frustration/annoyance/arguing. Our kids still talk about the TV mount “incident”…

It had already been a long day of moving into a new house, but we were determined to get the TV mounted so we could relax and unwind. We had installed many TV mounts together, so this should have been an easy, straightforward task. Long story short, one of us installed something, the other didn’t think it was done correctly and took it off, which led to arguing and one of us storming out of the house for a jog. The kids had never heard us yell argue during a DIY project before, and they still talk about it! 🙂 In hindsight, we should have known better, and followed Tip #5.

No matter how long you’ve been married or worked together, your spouse is not a mind reader. Always, always, always talk about the plan ahead of time, and who will do what (Tip #2). Don’t assume your spouse knows what you want, and instead tell them (politely) how you’d like him/her to hold something for you. They don’t know unless you tell them, even when it seems obvious to you! The great news is that all of this upfront communication is a worthwhile investment, because once you convey your plan and preferences, your spouse will remember next time and you probably won’t have to ask.

Tip #9 – Be Polite

After 20 years of marriage and doing projects together, we still say “please” and “thank you” every time we work together. Honestly, this little bit of politeness goes a long way!  Pretend for a moment that your DIY partner is a complete stranger. How would you speak to them? How would you ask for things? Using polite language is a sign of respect, and it’s important to let our spouse/partner/friends know that we appreciate them and don’t take them for granted. So, be polite to your DIY partner – you might be surprised at how much of a difference this makes.

Tip #10 – Define Roles

I’m great at detail work, I know how to finish and patch anything, and I’m the master planner (cut-list maker). Andrew is way better at precision cutting, using the nail gun (though I still love using it), and doing anything that involves strength or height (he’s 6ft 6in tall). These roles developed naturally over time, and we embrace them! Here’s my advice…try everything once. Ladies, don’t be afraid to use the power tools or try your hand at some electrical work. If you don’t like it, and your spouse does, fantastic! If you both love doing one particular thing (for us it’s using the nail gun), then take turns doing it. 

DIY has exploded in popularity over the last 20 years with TV shows that have shown us incredible makeovers, and the internet providing ample inspiration and tutorials. Many people enter the world of DIY with the idea that they can save a ton of money updating and personalizing their homes. Others turn to DIY as a hobby, finding joy in taking an idea and building something beautiful.  No matter your reasons, taking on DIY projects with a spouse/partner/friend can present its own set of relationship challenges. 

Keeping these tips in mind for how to DIY with your spouse, will help your projects be more peaceful, and enjoyable. That being said, you need to recognize that some personalities will work well together, and some may not. It’s OK! Better to stay married, or preserve a friendship, than grow angry with each other over home improvement. Save your money and hire workers, rather than spend your money later on marriage counseling.

Need help planning out your next DIY project? Check out our FREE DIY Project Planner!